Day 18 of 30

Since it's the weekend and I have time, I figured I might as well answer two days of the challenge in a row, so here goes day 18. To find out more, click here to read about the 30 Day Blog Challenge.

Day 18: What is the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

This one goes back to my father's sudden death from a heart attack in March of 2006. You can read a post about that by checking out THIS post from March.

A week before my dad passed away, we got into a really big argument. I still remember every little detail about that argument, how I told some friends about it the following day on the bus to a debate/forensics tournament in Neosho, Missouri, and how I was still angry about it over a week later when he was suddenly no longer around. I won't go into the details here because it's not important. What is important is that I blamed myself for a long time. I never talked about it to ANYONE, but I did. I finally realized I needed to get over it in order to move on, and while I never really had the opportunity to get all of my emotions about it out, I did forgive myself for the stupid argument we had because I knew I wouldn't be able to be happy with my own life until I did.

Was it a huge deal? No, not really. Looking back, the argument was so silly and petty and something that every teenager probably has. However, it did turn into a huge deal, at least for me, because my father passed away right afterward. Forgiving yourself is hard, especially when you're stubborn like me. But I have. 100%. It's not my fault, nor is it his fault, that we had a fight so soon before. We got along 90% of the time and were pretty close, much closer than many of my friends were with their own fathers at the time, and that makes me smile.

I wasn't expecting this challenge to get so personal, but that's okay. Being able to write about things like this only makes me stronger.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a happier post!